


On Ice

by TheMeaningofHaste



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Black Panther - Freeform, M/M, Nat is a good bro, Post Civil War, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, So much angst, Steve has PTSD and it will be discussed at length, Wakanda, black panther will probably make this immediately uncanon, one scene depicts torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-02-15
Packaged: 2019-03-18 20:54:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13689609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMeaningofHaste/pseuds/TheMeaningofHaste
Summary: “Are you sure about this?” Steve asked finally, looking his friend over from head to toe, looking for any sign that Bucky wasn’t sure.Bucky grimaced. “I can’t trust my own mind, so until they can figure out how to get this stuff out of my head I figure going back under is the best thing,” Bucky paused to look pointedly at Steve, “for everybody.”Unable to keep his hands to himself any longer, Steve closed to space between them, pulling his oldest friend in to a tight hug. “I’ve been on my own for so long Buck,” he whispered, voice cracking over the words. “I don’t want to lose you again.”“Always so dramatic,” Bucky muttered, his own voice wavering as he felt a tear roll down Steve’s cheek and land on his shirt. He pulled back, wrapping his hand around the nape of Steve’s neck and resting his forehead against the blonde’s. “Come on Stevie, I’m not going anywhere, not really.”XXXXXBucky goes on ice after the aftermath of Civil War and Steve isn't about to leave him alone; not again.





	On Ice

**Author's Note:**

> Much love forever to my wonderful beta, AuthorOutOfTime. 
> 
> Warning for a lot of flashbacks, angst, and brief depictions of violence and torture. Also a lot of talk of PTSD because with everything Steve has been through there no way that boy isn’t struggling and no one seems to want to talk about it.

Day 0- 3:33 PM

 

“I will leave you to have a few minutes of peace; I will be here whenever you are ready Sergeant Barnes,” Shuri told them quietly as she finished slipping the black cover over what remained of Bucky’s left arm.

Bucky tried to force a grateful smile but it was clear that his head was spinning. The door clicking shut was the only sound in the quiet room for what felt like ages.

 

“Are you sure about this?” Steve asked finally, looking his friend over from head to toe, looking for any sign that Bucky wasn’t sure.

 

Bucky grimaced. “I can’t trust my own mind, so until they can figure out how to get this stuff out of my head I figure going back under is the best thing,” Bucky paused to look pointedly at Steve, “for everybody.”

 

Unable to keep his hands to himself any longer, Steve closed to space between them, pulling his oldest friend in to a tight hug. “I’ve been on my own for so long Buck,” he whispered, voice cracking over the words. “I don’t want to lose you again.”

 

“Always so dramatic,” Bucky muttered, his own voice wavering as he felt a tear roll down Steve’s cheek and land on his shirt. He pulled back, wrapping his hand around the nape of Steve’s neck and resting his forehead against the blonde’s. “Come on Stevie, I’m not going anywhere, not really.”

 

Steve let out a small laugh, a puff of warm air against Bucky’s skin. He opened eyes to stare in to Bucky’s, taking a moment to memorize the way the light caught the small brown flecks in the green of his friend’s eyes and the heat radiating from his skin. “I’ll work with Shuri everyday until we figure something out, she’s a tech genius, puts Tony to shame, really.”

 

“I know you will,” he whispered, his hand slid around to cup Steve’s chin and his thumb brushed against Steve’s bottom lip.

 

Steve felt his face flush and his heartbeat stutter. He had been waiting for the right moment to finally say what he had known for almost a century. Sure, they had been intimate during the war. But between stolen kisses and quiet fucks in their tent, they had never talked about. Now, with Bucky going back on ice, Steve didn’t know when he would get a chance again. “Buck-,” he started, his voice cracking and mouth suddenly dry.

 

“I know Steve,” Bucky interrupted, his eyes flicking down to where his thumb still rested against the cracked skin on Steve’s lip.

 

A loud knock made them jump apart, Steve instinctively reaching for the shield that wasn’t there. “I’m sorry to interrupt Captain,” Shuri’s face was a blank mask showing no surprise that she just walked in on the two in such a tender moment.

“No, it’s okay,” Steve replied, running a hand through his hair.

 

“I just wanted to check on Sergeant Barnes and collect a new set of vital signs.”

 

“Yeah, go ahead,” Bucky replied, holding his arm out so that she could check his IV. “I think I’m ready.”

 

Two assistants moved forward, so quietly that even Steve barely heard them. The blonde backed away and watched silently as the two men worked efficiently to lead Bucky across the room to the waiting cryo-chamber.

 

“Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone,” Bucky called with a smirk as the buckles holding the straps around his torso clicked into place.

 

Steve started, still surprised when Bucky remembered small details from their days in Brooklyn. “How can I,when you’re taking all the stupid with you?”

 

“Punk.”

 

“Jerk.”

 

The soft smile on Bucky’s face turned into a tight grimace as the glass door began to slide shut. The monitor began to beep faster as his heart rate raced and Steve felt his chest tighten as the chamber began to fill with a fog with a loud hiss. Steve wanted to look away but felt frozen as he saw the brief flash of panic across Bucky's face, triggered no doubt by dozens of memories of being put under, not knowing if or when he might wake up again. Within seconds the beeping slowed as the soldier’s body cooled.

 

Even as he tried to push them back, Steve felt tears starting to well in his eyes. Trying to hold on to what little dignity he had left, Steve made his way out of the lab, not knowing where he was going, only knowing that he had to get away. He didn’t realize he had started running until he stopped, gasping for breath in a hallway he didn’t recognize.

 

They had been in Wakanda for almost a week now and Steve was pretty sure he had only seen a fraction of the massive palace grounds. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he turned to look out the wall of floor to ceiling windows. Everywhere he looked was full of color, from the lush green of the forests to the rich colors of the national flag that hung from every lamp post.

 

Staring out the window at nothing in particular, Steve found his mind going back to the forests of Europe and the nights they spent sleeping on the ground, he and Bucky sharing a blanket that they had rolled into a makeshift pillow, trying to name constellations through the tree branches. He thought of stolen moments when they snuck away from camp, hands desperately grasping for skin in the dark, too worried about getting caught to risk talking about it.

 

“Captain Rogers.” T’Challa’s voice, gentle yet commanding, pulled Steve back to the present. Away from the Alps and back to a nation in Africa he that he hadn’t heard of until just a few weeks ago. The King stood next to him, looking out at his kingdom.

 

“I told you, just call me Steve.”

 

“We will find a solution Steve,” T’Challa replied, shooting a pointed look at Steve that implied that Steve wasn’t hiding his emotions as well as he thought.

 

Not trusting his voice, Steve nodded curtly before looking down at a very interesting spot of floor just in front of him. “Thank you T’Challa.”

 

“Your friend and my father, they were both victims. If I can help one of them find peace…” his voice trailed off.

 

Looking back across the acres of forest in front of him Steve was reminded of the odds that they still faced even once they found a way to get Hydra’s programming out of Bucky’s mind. “You know if they find out he’s here, they’ll come for him.”

 

T’Challa smirked. “Let them try.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Day 1- 1:07 AM

 

Steve draped an arm across his eyes with a groan. He had been laying in bed for hours, staring at the shadows growing and changing across the ceiling. Ramonda had shown him to his quarters after dinner, insisting when he tried to protest that he would have been fine on a couch somewhere, that any friend of her son was a friend to all of Wakanda.

 

The rooms were beautifully ornate yet simple and the bedroom alone was bigger than the entire apartment that he and Bucky had shared in Brooklyn. He also had a small sitting room with a corner set up with an easel, paints, brushes, notebooks and more; something he had Natasha to thank for, he was sure. The bed was larger and more comfortable than anything Steve had ever imagined but he still couldn’t rest.

 

Every time he closed his eyes he saw flashes of the past. He tried to sleep and suddenly he was back in Austria pulling Bucky off the table in Zola’s lab. Tried again, and he was watching Bucky fall from the train in the Alps, his screams for help echoing throughout the room. Blink and suddenly Steve was back in Washington DC watching the Winter Soldier’s mask fall on the ground and the lack of recognition in his friend’s eyes. When he ran out of memories, his mind came up with new horrors and suddenly Steve found himself watching as Bucky was strapped in to a chair, his hands clenching the armrests in terror as the electrodes lowered towards his head.

 

Throwing a pillow across the room in frustration, Steve rolled out of bed with a sigh. He pulled a shirt on and made his way towards the door, the kimoyo beads on his wrist glowing briefly as the door to his room locked behind him. He tried to make a mental note to ask Shuri more about how the beads worked so he could tell Tony when, no _if_ , they spoke again. Another problem for another day Steve thought, rubbing his eyes wearily.

 

The halls were dimly lit, the light from the full moon streaming through the floor to ceiling windows that seemed to line every passage way. Not thinking, Steve began to walk, not caring that he was still in the flannel pajama pants that had been waiting on his bed, his bare feet padding softly along the granite floors.

 

Before he knew it, Steve found himself pushing the doors to the lab open. Lights flickered on, casting long shadows across the floor as he walked in. He paused in front of the large display of vitals, watching the slow but steady beat of his friends heart.

 

“I wonder what this woulda looked like for my old heart,” he mused out loud. “Probably nowhere near as steady as yours.”

 

Pulling a chair over next to the cryo-chamber, Steve sat, suddenly feeling the weight of every year he’d been alive. “Can you believe we’re here, Buck? You remember those dime books you used to try to charm off of Mrs. Hutchins in 12B? You used to devour the science fiction books, musta had a pile of them 12 high next to your side of the bed. I think she started buying them just so that she could give them to you.”

 

Steve sighed, resting his head against the cool glass. He knew he was being stupid, that  Bucky couldn’t hear him,but he couldn’t stop. It had been so long since he got to talk about the days before the war, a time before Captain America was even an idea. “We may not have flying cars yet, but damn if this world ain't crazier than even your wildest book. I wish you could have been there in New York to see the Chitauri. Maybe once this is all over we can go back, Tony still has a collection of some of their tech in his lab. They put those fancy inventions at the Stark Expo to shame.”

 

As he reminisced about some of the weirdest things that he had seen since coming out of the ice, the shadows across the floor grew longer and Steve’s eyes grew heavier. Without trying, Steve drifted off to sleep in the middle of a story about how he had worked with Jarvis to finally get back at Tony after a series of childish pranks when he had first moved into the Avengers tower.

  
  
  


 

 

 

Day 9 6:03 AM

 

Steve startled awake, knocking the blanket off his lap. He had tried every night to fall asleep in his own room but always found himself in the same chair that now lived next to Bucky’s cryo-chamber in the lab. After one of the lab techs had woken him up for the second day in a row, a small pile of blankets and pillows was always present as well. Steve tried not to be embarrassed and instead chose to be grateful of the understanding and hospitality that he had been shown.

The morning sun shone bright making him squint as he struggled to get used to the light. “Good morning,Shuri,” he called, his back cracking as he stood.

“Steven, I have told you a dozen times now, if you are going to be sleeping in here we can get you a more comfortable chair,” she scolded as she began to sort out her papers for the day. The King’s sister was undoubtedly the most talented and intelligent woman he had ever had the privilege of meeting. Quick witted and incredibly kind, she reminded him more than a little of Peggy. The other day he had tried talking to her about the research she had started with the hopes of helping Bucky kick the last hold that Hydra had on his mind.  Within minutes Steve’s head had been spinning so much that he had politely told her to stop wasting her time because there was no way he was following all these technical terms.

 

“No,I’m fine.I’m already taking up more space in here than I should be.”

 

Shuri simply rolled her eyes, no doubt ignoring him and making a mental note to have his chair replaced. “If you would like, Ayo has invited you to go train with the Dora Milaje today. I am sure that you are getting antsy being all cooped up in this lab.”

 

Smiling for the first time all week, Steve hurried down to the courtyards where he saw the female warriors gather each morning. “Thanks!” He called over his shoulder, too far to see the fond smile that pulled at Shuri’s lips.

 

XXXX

 

The sun was beginning to set before the warriors began to slow down for the day. Steve clutched his ribs, fighting to catch his breath as Nakia grinned at him. She had the same mischievous glint in her eyes that Natasha got when they sparred. She was a formidable opponent and he knew he had more than one bruise that would fade in a few hours.

 

“You are welcome to train with us anytime, Captain Rogers,” she said, offering her hand.

 

“I don’t know if I can keep up,” he grinned, shaking her hand.

 

“We’ll take it easy on you old man!” Okoye called from across the courtyard

 

Steve laughed, feeling lighter than he had in weeks as he walked back towards his room to clean up. The warm feeling didn’t last long when he got back to his room. While it was decorated to feel warm and homey, there was nothing that really made it feel like home. Steve had a small pile of clothing that had been provided for him and an even smaller piled of items that belonged to Bucky.

He walked over and ran his fingers over the smooth leather of Bucky’s tactical vest, picking it up and pressing it to his face. He closed his eyes and for a minute he was back in Brooklyn, 19 years old and bedridden for the second time that year, unable to keep warm. After coming home from 12 hours days on the docks, Bucky would still crawl in to bed, wrapping his arms around Steve’s small and shivering frame. He could almost hear the soft sound of Bucky humming one of the songs his mother had taught him.

The loud squawk of a bird from outside his window brought him back to the present. Aware he was being ridiculous, he carefully folded the vest and returned it to it’s spot on top of the bright red journal that Steve had forgotten about. Taking a deep breath, Steve picked it up, lightly tracing the outline of the black star. He knew that somewhere inside that journal there had to be something that could help but try as he might, he couldn’t bring himself to crack the cover, not again. When Bucky was locked up, Steve had tried to read it but after the first two pages he had to put it down, running to the nearest trash can as his stomach churned. He had split three punching bags in the gym before Natasha found him and pulled him away, gently washing the blood off his split knuckles.

 

_“Some things are best left unread, Steve.”_

His ears ringing and Nat’s words echoing in his mind, Steve tucked the journal inside the pocket of his sweatshirt before he turned and followed the now familiar path from his room to the laboratory. Steve was hyper aware of the weight in his pocket as he walked, the journal feeling as though it weighed a ton. Every sound made him flinch and his fists ball up, ready for a fight. ‘You’re safe, miles away from Hydra in an impenetrable palace that is located in an impossible to find country’, he chided himself, feeling ridiculous for being paranoid.

 

Shuri was deep in conversation with three of her assistants when he entered, pouring over a pile of readouts from the various machinery that was hooked up to the cryo-tank. Floating before them was a hologram, similar to the ones that Tony worked with in his own lab. Hundreds of fractured pieces of machinery floated before her.

 

“Is that an arm?”

 

Shuri smiled at him, pulling her hands together so that the holographic pieces began to rearrange themselves in to a remarkable rendering of Bucky’s metal arm. “I think we have figured out how Hydra had created his arm before, but we have added a few improvements.”

 

Drawn forward, Steve leaned in to inspect the prototype. “It’s incredible,” he breathed. “There’s no star either, thank you.”

 

“It is my pleasure, I cannot being to imagine what your friend has been through. Anything I can do to help him move forward is as honor.” She turned to look at the clock on the wall. “It is still early for you to be here, was there something wrong?”

 

Steve felt his face flush, he hadn’t meant to set a schedule but he couldn’t stop himself. “I found this, I thought it may be useful.”

 

Shuri accepted the book he passed, her eyes quickly scanning it and widening as she realized its significance. “Have you read it?”

 

Rubbing the back of his neck uncomfortably, Steve stared pointedly at a spot on the wall just above her shoulder. “No, I-...I tried,” he started. “I had to stop after a few pages but Natasha told me that it continues to detail much of his- erm, treatment with them.”

 

“I’m sure it will be very useful.” She placed the book down on the table before moving gracefully around to stand in front of Steve. Her voice was soft and gentle, and the weight of her hand on his bicep helped to ground him. “You should get something to eat and try to rest Steve.”

 

Nodding, Steve cleared his throat before casting a glance over to where Bucky slept. “I’ll try,” he promised.

  
  


Day 10- 3:12 am

 

_“Christ, it’s starting to snow.”_

 

_“You scared of a little frozen water Dum Dum?” Falsworth called, draining the last of the tea from his mug._

_“I ain't scared of anything, just don’t want to go home with only half my toes,” Dugan grumbled, pulling his threadbare blanket out of his pack._

 

_Steve smiled, watching his friends bicker around the last glowing embers of their fire. They were somewhere in the countryside, the Alps looming high above them and carving a jagged edge in the dark sky. He was pretty sure they were close to the border of Austria and Switzerland, but they had been walking for days after their truck broke down so he wasn’t completely sure anymore._

_“We should get out the tents before it gets worse.”_

 

_“You heard Cap, lets turn in before more than just our toes fall off,” Morita said, kicking Gabe’s leg to try and get him up and moving._

 

_“Can I call dibs on bunking in the same tent as the Captain this time?” Gabe grumbled, helping to roll out one of the small tents. “Guy is a radiator.”_

 

_Steve felt his cheeks flush at the attention, he still was a little uncomfortable in his new body at times. He had been checked out by more doctors than he could count but no one could figure out why the serum made his temperature run two degrees warmer than normal. It had been a strange side effect that proved to be a godsend during cold nights on the ground when the Commandos were out in the field._

 

_“No way,” Bucky chimed in. “I spent ten years trying to keep this punk from freezing to death in Brooklyn, I’ve earned my dues, time to pay up Rogers.”_

 

_Dernier elbowed Gabe, smirking as they spoke in French._

 

_“Hey, you heard him,” Steve said, shrugging his shoulders then repeating himself in French._

 

_“Sacre bleu, I always forget you pick up languages so quickly,” Dernier cursed, flashing a rude gesture to the rest of the laughing Commandos._

 

_Their easy bickering made Bucky smile, his shoulders shaking with quiet laughter as he hammered stakes in to the ground to hold up their tent. The moon was full above them, making it easy to see in the night and for a moment Steve’s heart felt full. He knew they were at war and they hadn’t had a real shower in weeks, but Steve was surrounded by friends, Bucky’s grin was easy and the darkness that had been haunting him was gone for the first time since they left Zola’s lab months ago._

_“Go on punk, I like my tent to be preheated.” Bucky held the flap to their tent open, a mischievous glint in his eyes that made Steve’s stomach flip in anticipation._

 

_“Who’s in charge around here again?” Dugan asked, shooting Steve a knowing wink._

 

_Steve ducked to crawl in to the tent, calling over his shoulder to tell them to get some rest. The tents were standard issue by the Army, built to fit two grown men but the blonde had to curl on to his side to keep his head and feet from pushing out the sides. It had been close to a year since he had entered Erskine’s lab for the last time but he still expected to wake up to find out that this had all been a dream._

_The flutter of the tent closing behind Bucky pulled the blonde from his thoughts. The gas lantern sitting in the corner of their tent cast long shadows over them. “So Captain,” Bucky purred, the way he said the title sending shivers down Steve’s spine. “_ Are _you in charge around here?”_

 

_Bucky crawled towards him, stopping just inches away. It had been 15 days since they had gotten more than a few minutes alone together, not that Steve had been counting or anything, and he felt like he was physically aching for Bucky to touch him._

 

_Any witty reply he thought of seemed to get caught in his throat. The only thing he could think to do was to fist his hand in the front Bucky’s henley, close the distance between them and crash their mouths together.nd closing the distance between them and crashing their mouths together.Their lips were chapped and their teeth clicked, together but it was perfect nonetheless.  Bucky left out a soft groan, his calloused hands pulling at buckles on Steve’s uniform._

 

_“God I’ve missed you,” Steve gasped, nosing along Bucky’s jaw and pressing kisses to the exposed skin._

 

_Bucky pulled back with a grin and pulled his shirt over his head, dropping it behind him. When he looked up he had aged, the angles of his face were harsher and his hair was long and hanging in his eyes. Instead of the man he had grown up with, it was The Winter Soldier looking back at Steve now. Bucky’s metal fingers now ghosted across the sensitive skin of his stomach, deftly undoing the clasps of his jacket and pushing the fabric off Steve’s shoulders._

 

_“You have so many fucking layers to this uniform,” he growled, nipping along Steve’s collarbone and up his neck before kissing him again. Their lips moved together, softer this time but no less needy. Bucky licked in to his mouth as he reached down to palm Steve through his trousers._

 

_“Stop complaining about it and do something then”_

 

_Bucky rocked back on his heels and smiled devilishly at him. His lips were swollen, his hair was tousled and pupils blown wide. “Yeah? Is that a challenge Rogers?”_

 

_“Why don’t you find out?” Steve replied, raising a brow._

 

_Metal fingers tugged at the hem of his undershirt and Steve though he heard a soft rip of the fabric as it was yanked over his head. Suddenly, as his head pulled free Steve realized he was alone in the tent. His heart skipped a beat as he looked around in panic for any sign of where Bucky had gone. Not worrying the he was only half dressed, Steve lept from the tent, looking wildly around for the brunet._

 

_“Bucky!” He yelled, spinning in circles frantically. As he turned, the tents disappeared until he was completely alone in the clearing. Screaming until his throat was raw, Steve tore through the trees calling over and over for his friend._

 

_Minutes later Steve dropped to his knees, his lungs gasping for air but not finding any. He recognized the feeling as an asthma attack but couldn’t understand how one could be happening now, the serum was supposed to fix everything. “Bucky,” he gasped desperately. The world started to go black as his body starved for oxygen, his friends name the last word on his lips before he collapsed._

 

“Bucky!” Steve woke with a startled scream. He was soaked with sweat and his throat was raw as though he had been yelling in real life.

 

Taking a deep breath, he forced himself out of bed and over to the bathroom for a glass of water. As his heart rate slowly returned to normal, Steve sunk against the wall, reaching blindly for the cellphone that he kept tucked away for emergencies. Pressing the first speed dial option, the sound of ringing was soon echoing in the room.

 

“Hello?”

 

Steve let out a soft sob, suddenly realizing just how lonely he had been over the past week. “Nat, it’s me.”

 

“I can be there in 5 hours,” she answered, her voice suggesting that there was no point arguing with her.

 

“Thanks, but you don’t have to just drop everything and fly across the world for me,” he breathed.

 

He could almost hear her roll her eyes in response. “Don’t be ridiculous, Steve. I’m on my way to the airport now.”

 

“I don’t know what to say.” Steve’s shoulders shook as another wave of tears and pain washed over him.

 

“You don’t have to say anything.” Her voice was kind and Steve felt reassured that he had done the right thing by calling her. “Hang in there Cap.”

 

As the line went dead, Steve let the phone fall to the floor next to him and pulled his knees up to his chest, burying his face in his arms as he finally caved to every emotion he had been trying to push back over the past week.

 

XXX

Steve managed a few more fitful hours of sleep, before giving up and making his way back to the lab. He was anxious for Natasha’s arrival, eager to see an old friend. He had grown close to T’Challa and his family, but besides Bucky, Nat was probably his oldest friend.

 

“You look like crap Rogers.” Nat smirked at him as she gracefully hopped down from a stool.

 

Steve grinned, holding his arms out. “You sure know how to flatter a guy.” Nat let him pull her into a bear hug, feeling a big weight lift from his shoulders as he rested his chin on her head.

“Really though, Steve,” she said quietly so that the others in the room wouldn’t hear. “You should have called sooner. Have you slept at all?”

 

With a sigh, Steve pulled back a little to look at her sheepishly. He knew how he looked. Not sleeping more than a few minutes at a time for over a week was starting to catch up with him, the bags under his eyes starting to look more like he had a black eye. Stubble dusted his jaw and his clothes were a little less tight than normal, his high metabolism punishing him for his lack of appetite. “Do I even need to answer that question?”

 

She punched him softly in the shoulder. “Come on, I just flew around the world for you, the least you can do is get me something to eat.”

 

Without thinking, Steve’s eyes flicked over to Bucky. “There have been no changes Steven,” Shuri called. “Go and relax, if something happens we will call you.”

 

Chewing his bottom lip nervously, Steve nodded. He knew it was stupid to check in all the time but he couldn’t stop himself from worrying. Everytime he entered the lab, he half expected the tank to be broken open and Bucky taken back into the hands of Hydra. Natasha rolled her eyes and began to tug his arm.

 

Nat waved to Shuri as she pulled them towards the door, calling back in a language he didn’t understand. Whatever she said made the other woman giggle, giving Steve a sneaking suspicion who they were talking about.

 

“Since when do you speak Wakandan?”

 

“I’m just full of surprises Rogers,” she replied, the corners of her eyes crinkling as she tried to hold back a smile. “Take me to get some breakfast and maybe I’ll let you in on a few more.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


Day 15- 4:47 PM.

 

Having Nat around made the days pass a little easier. They spent most of every morning sparing with the Dora Milaje or hiking through the jungle that seemed to start exactly where the back of the palace ended. There were a few well worn paths and while each one was beautiful, Steve was pretty sure they had just found his favorite. About three miles in to the trees the trail lead to a large pool of crystal clear water, a small waterfall trickling into it from twenty feet up. A large tree had fallen along one side of the clearing, creating a comfortable spot to sit.

 

“You really mean to tell me that you’ve been here over two weeks now and never found this place?” Nat asked, dipping a toe in to test the water. “God, it’s the perfect temperature.”

 

Steve felt his face flush as Natasha stripped off her clothes until she was down to a sports bra and pair of briefs. “I haven’t explored much,” he mumbled.

 

Water splashed on to his legs as Natasha jumped in. “Well it’s time to change that, hop in!”

 

“I don’t have any swimming trunks.” He rubbed the back of his neck, looking up at the sky as Nat grinned wolfishly at him. Her hair had grown since he had seen her last, the dark red locks floating in the water around her, covering part of her chest.

 

“Come on Steve, the press isn’t here, you don’t have to pretend to be America’s golden boy.” She splashed more water up at him. “What are you, scared?”

 

Never one to back down from a challenge, Steve kicked off his sneakers and began to tug at his clothes. Nat whistled as his shirt dropped on to the ground, quickly followed by his pants so that he was standing in nothing but a pair of purple and gold boxer briefs.  

 

“God Bless America, indeed,” she teased.

 

Steve raised a brow. “Really, that’s how it is?”

 

“What are you going to do about it?”

 

With a grin, Steve took a few steps back and, with a running start, jumped into the pool with a cannon ball. The redhead let out a startled scream as she broke back through the surface of the water, having been pushed under by a wave from his jump.

 

“Oh you are going down Rogers.”

 

Nat swam towards him, trying to grab him in a headlock. They tossed around the pool for a while, play fighting and gently egging the other on. Despite being alive for almost a hundred years, he was really only 29 and sometimes it felt good to act young again. He and Bucky had never had much of a chance to goof off before the war. With Steve’s ma dying so early they had spent most of their time looking for jobs and just trying to scrape by.

 

Panting, they finally broke apart. Steve lay back, his cheeks tired from how much he had been smiling, and let the sun warm his skin. “The Commandos would probably kill me for telling you this, but we went skinny dipping more than once when we were out in the field.”

 

“Really?” Natasha stood to look at him, her face a mix of shock and excitement.

 

Closing his eyes, Steve hummed in agreement. “The first time was during our first August there, it was almost a hundred degrees and we had been stuck in the same position for three days, just waiting to get a call with more intel. There was supposed to be a big shipment of weapons coming through but they had already informed us that there had been an unexpected delay.

 

Anyways, that’s the boring part. We had found a lake not more than half a mile from where we had set up camp. I think it was Dum Dum who first suggested we go swimming, shrugging when we tried to argue that we had no suits. ‘It’s only weird if we watch each other get in,’ he argued. I know that it sounds like a weak argument now but we were going mad in that heat and the temptation of cool water was more than we could resist.”

 

Steve trailed off, smiling to himself at the memory. He could hear Gabe and Morita’s catcalls back and forth at each other as they raced to the edge of the water. Steve had trailed a few steps behind the rest of the men, still a little uncomfortable with the idea of taking his shirt off. It had been almost a year since the serum but in his mind he was still the skinny kid with asthma and a heart problem who had never been invited to go swimming during the summer.

 

_After pulling off his shirt, Bucky turned to look for Steve. “Come on Stevie,” he called, waving his arm in encouragement. “You’re gonna be the last one in at this rate.”_

 

_Nervous, Steve bent to undo the laces on his boots. When he stood up, he felt momentarily like he had heart problems all over again. Bucky’s trousers were pooling around his ankles and his thumbs were hooked in to the edge of his boxers. At this point, there had only been a few desperate, needy kisses between them, usually after they got back from a fight that had been a little closer than they would have liked._

 

_His hands shaking a little, Steve pulled his own tshirt off as he stepped slowly towards his friend, unable to stop staring. It was unfair really, Steve thought, the way that Bucky had just the lightest dusting of hair across his chest, fading off in to a line that dipped below the waist of his boxers._

 

 _Letting his eyes wander, a small whimper escaped Steve’s throat. It had been almost 2 years since Steve had last seen his friend this exposed, coming out of the shower in just a towel and, well, the war had some perks he thought. Bucky’s chest was always well defined, but now he could see the light outline of the brunet’s_ _abs and the deep v of his hip bones were almost obscene._

 

_“See something you like Rogers?”_

 

_Steve’s eyes snapped up, catching Bucky smirking at him. Wait, when did he get so close? Stopping a few feet away, Bucky cocked an eyebrow in a silent challenge as he pushed his boxers over his hips, the fabric pooling around his feet. Despite rooming together for so long, it wasn’t very often that Steve had seen his best friend completely exposed. Never had he gotten a chance to look or appreciate._

 

_Looking quickly over his shoulder to make sure none of the other men were watching, Bucky took a step forward and then another, his hands going the button of Steve’s trousers. “Well?”_

 

_Steve tried to say something sexy but everything came out as a strangled croak. “Christ Bucky,” he gasped finally._

 

_“Come on Steve,” Bucky laughed, the sound sending shiver down Steve’s spine._

 

_He reached down to cover Bucky’s hands with his own, their fingers working deftly to undo his pants before pushing them and his boxers off in one move._

 

_“So it did work everywhere.” Bucky’s eyes were hooded and his lips pulled in to an easy grin, one side rising a little higher than the other._

 

_A loud splash sounded from the lake, followed by whooping and hollering. “Come on love birds!” Dum Dum yelled, picking his bowler up out of the water, placed it back on his head, dumping a load of water over himself._

 

_“Hold your horses!” Bucky yelled. He let the tips of his fingers skim across Steve’s stomach as he spoke, sounding uncertain for the first time. “To be continued?”_

 

_Steve wrapped his hand around Bucky’s wrist, holding him close for a moment longer. “Definitely. Now go, before the fellas get any more suspicious.”_

 

_The brunet winked as he turned away, his hips swaying more than necessary as he crossed over to the water. Steve dropped his hands to cover himself as he watched his friend walk away. The muscles in his ass were well defined, rippling with every step and causing small dimples to occur._

 

“Okay Rogers I think that’s enough of you describing your boyfriends ass,” Natasha interrupted with a smirk.

 

Steve shot her an evil grin. “Let’s just say that it was a really good thing that the lake was cold that day.”

  


Day 19-7:43 PM

 

The sun was starting to set below the mountains and through the windows of the lab, the sky glowed a dusky red. Steve was curled up in the recliner that Shuri had installed despite his protests. A large sketch pad was propped up against his leg as he tried to capture Natasha and Shuri bent over a workstation. They were a dynamic pair to study he thought to himself as he smudged a bit of shading across the page. Given enough time, he could probably fill a sketchbook with them alone.

 

“I’ve seen this concept before,” Natasha mused alound, leaning closer in to examine something on the page in front of her.

 

Shuri pulled it over, her eyebrows raising in surprise. “Really? I thought it was solely theoretical.”

 

“Here it is, Stark's lab.” Natasha flipped her phone around, showing her screen.

 

“But how?” The scientist breathed, pinching her fingers to zoom in. “Wakandan technology has advanced in isolation for so long, we hardly have any overlaps with this rest of the world. So how do both of us share the same wildly theoretical idea?”

 

“Tony thinks that it’s Agardian in origin. Thor looked at it once for him and helped to translate the parts that he could understand and well, that’s really all Stark needs.” Natasha turned to look at Shuri. “Speaking of Stark, how would you two like to collaborate on this?”

 

Steve’s hand slipped in surprise, the tip of his pencil leaving a harsh line across the page. “Tony knows about this?” He interrupted, jumping out of his seat.

 

Natasha shrugged. “He kind of figured it out when he caught me stealing the quinjet.”

 

The sound of Steve’s pencil snapping caught their attention as it echoed through the room like a shot. He thought he heard Natasha call his name but the room seemed to be going in and out of focus. Gripping the edge of a workbench tightly to keep his balance, Steve couldn’t hear the creaking of metal warping under his fingers.

He could taste metallic blood in his mouth as the room filled with smoke and ash. Where there had been tile and crisp, white walls was now concrete, dingy from decades of neglect.There was snow outside and he could feel the low temperature like an ache in his bones. His ears were ringing with the clang of metal hitting metal and the whirr of Tony’s suit charging. “Do you even remember them?” Steve stood in place, trying to find Bucky. He could hear Bucky’s yells mingled with the electric quality of Tony’s. “I remember all of them.” An explosion sounded from above them, or was it below? “Go Buck! Get out of here!” Steve panted, his chest heaving from exertion as he tossed the shield back and forth with Bucky, his hand throbbing from where it had made contact over and over with Tony’s suit. “No! Not without you!” This wasn’t right Steve thought, crying out in terror as Bucky’s arm was blasted off. His head was spinning, this couldn’t be happening again.

 

“Steve!”

 

Steve’s head snapped, his eyes trying to focus on Natasha’s as the chaos faded around him.

 

The sun was high above him, the warmth starting to dry the cold sweat that had drenched his shirt.

  


“Are we outside?”Natasha’s arm rubbed steady circles on his back, grounding him little by little back to reality.  “How did I get here?”

 

“I pulled you out of there. Care to tell me what was going on?”

 

Letting out a strangled sob, Steve sat heavily down in the grass and buried his head in this hands. “I was back there Nat,” he whispered. “One minute I was here with you and then I was back in Russia, fighting with Tony and Bucky on the roof of that bunker.”

 

Natasha wrapped an arm around his broad shoulders, pulling him towards her chest in a tight embrace. She tangled her fingers in his sweaty hair, massaging his scalp gently. “It was just a flashback Steve.It’s over now.”  

 

“It was so real,” he finally replied.

 

She hummed in agreement. “Don’t be angry, Steve, but I gave her contact information for Tony.” Steve visibly bristled at that, his muscle contracting under his fingers.

 

“Nat-.”

 

“No hear me out,” she interrupted. “I know you’re not comfortable having him involved right now but I really think he can help. Don’t make that noise at me Rogers. He’s come a long way since you last saw him. I think he actually regrets what happened with the Accords.”

 

“Good, he-”

 

“Did I say I was finished?” Steve rolled his eyes but motioned for her to continue. “He regrets how it all went down and I’ve caught him working in his lab, trying to make Bucky a new arm more than once.”

 

“Really?” Steve chewed on his bottom lip, not entirely convinced.

 

“I mean, he still refers to James as ‘Icepop’, but I think that’s really a best case scenario with Stark.”

 

Steve sighed as he pulled himself out of her arms and stood up. “Okay, I trust you Nat. He can help, I just don’t want him coming here right now.”

Natasha nodded in agreement. “He can do a lot just over webcam.” Brushing off his pants, Steve looked distracted. “Is everything okay?”

 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Steve shot her an easy going grin, but the emotion never reached his eyes.

 

“You don’t always have to be okay, Steve.”

 

Steve kicked his toe in the dirt uncomfortably. “I’m alright Nat, really. I think I just need to be by myself for a while.”

 

She narrowed her eyes at him as she replied. “Okay, just be back before I leave tonight okay?”

 

“I promise.” Steve wrapped her in a tight hug before he turned to jog down the trail that led into the jungle behind him.

  
  
  


Day 44- 2:04 AM

 

Ever since Natasha had left, Steve had fallen back into an easy routine. He spent his days outdoors, trying to keep his body and mind occupied. Natasha checked in on him every few days which had helped, but at night Steve still found himself staring blankly at the ceiling as sleep evaded him or waking up screaming from another nightmare.

 

Steve had not even bothered trying to sleep that night, choosing instead to lounge in his chair in the lab, sketching mindlessly. Even without trying, his hand instinctively traced the outline of Bucky’s strong jawline and softly shaded in the waves of his hair. He knew that what he was doing probably wasn’t healthy, but he couldn’t bring himself to care anymore. Sitting on the table next to him, Steve’s phone vibrated with a new text alert from Natasha.

 

_Happy Birthday Steve!_

 

Steve smiled, double checking the date on the display twice before he replied.

 

_You are still 3 days early._

 

_¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  I just sent a gift your way so it counts._

 

_You didn’t have to get me anything. It’s not worth the trouble to try and send something this far._

 

Despite his words, Steve found that he was actually a little excited. He hadn’t had a chance to properly celebrate his birthday since the war. It felt like ever since he had been pulled out of the ocean he had been alone or constantly on the move every summer.

 

_Your present wanted to come. Go to sleep._

 

Puzzled, Steve slipped his phone into the pocket of his pajama pants. He had no idea what his friend meant but he assumed it was just some reference that he hadn’t gotten around to yet. “I should probably get back to that list,” he mused out loud, looking for where Shuri had left the tablet that she kept trying to offer him.

 

“What do you think Buck?” He called across the room as he found it and clicked the power button on. “Should we start with Star Trek or Star Wars first?”  


  


Day 45- 9:56 AM

 

Steve had forgotten completely about his texts with Natasha from the night before when he woke up from the few hours of sleep he had finally managed to get. A sharp rap at his door pulled him out of bed.  Without checking the peephole, Steve opened it, expecting to see T’Challa who tried to stop by at least once a week.

 

“Damn, you look like crap man.”

 

Steve rolled his eyes but was unable to keep from smiling as he held the door open for his guest to come in. “Why does everyone keep saying that like it’s a proper greeting?”

 

Sam laughed, the sound warm and comforting, before pulling Steve in to a hug. “Sorry, I guess my mother never taught me the appropriate way to great your superhero friend that disappeared from the face of the planet almost three months ago.”

 

“She should be ashamed.”

 

Sam let out a low whistle as he took in the view from Steve’s bedroom window. “This view though. Now I’m just mad that Nat didn’t send me here sooner.”

 

“So you’re my present that she sent?”

 

“She tried to get me to wear a large bow on my head but that was where I put my foot down.” Sam turned back to give Steve a once over, his tone turning suddenly serious. “Really though Steve, how are you?”

 

“I’m guessing that Natasha already told you everything so lying isn’t an option right?” Steve sighed, dropping down to sit on the edge of his bed. “Honestly? I thought I was holding everything together so well before. With the war, then losing Bucky, going under, and then losing Bucky a second time, I thought I was strong enough to make it through anything.” Steve trailed off.

 

“What did I say the first time we met Steve? Some stuff you leave there and some stuff you bring back. Having trauma symptoms doesnt make you less strong, it just means that you’ve been through Hell.”

 

Steve shrugged noncommittally. “Still-”

 

“No don’t try that shit with me here man. I’ve worked with veterans who come home so traumatised they can’t even go to the bathroom without having a flashback or thinking there’s an insurgent hiding in the toilet. You have been in combat for almost a third of your life now Steve, I would be worried about you if you weren’t finally having a bit of a break down.”

 

Steve sighed heavily before flopping onto his back. “I don’t know how to fix it,” he admitted, barely loud enough for Sam to hear.

 

“What would you tell Bucky?” Sam asked, sitting next to him on the bed. “Because you know he’s going to be even more screwed up when they finally get that Hydra shit out of his brain.”

 

“That it was normal to struggle with PTSD and to take as much time as he needs.”

 

“So then why is it any different for you?”

 

The room was quiet for a while, Steve’s mind turning his friends advice over and over. “I guess it’s not,” he finally replied.

 

“Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner!”

 

Steve rolled his eyes as he sat up, bumping his shoulder against Sam’s. “Shut up.”

 

“Language Cap!” Sam feigned offense, his eyes dancing mischievously. “There, now that you’ve had your present you can take me on a proper tour of this place. I want to go hang out with Catman.”

 

Steve went to pull a pair of jeans and a clean shirt out of his dresser. “Please, call T’Challa Catman to his face, I can’t wait to watch him kick your ass.”

  


Day 47- 10:15 PM

 

“Happy Birthday Steve!” A chorus of voices had called in unison. T’Challa, Shuri, Ayo, Nakia and a few other women from the Dora Milaje had all been gathered by Ramonda to help Sam celebrate Steve’s 100th birthday. They had grinned at him from around the table, holding glasses up in a toast and for the first time since a kid, Steve felt like he finally had family to help make his birthday feel like a proper celebration. His stomach was full from a feast of good food and his skin tingled from the the effects of a bubbly alcohol that reminded him of both champagne and Asgardian Ale.  

 

His heart was full as he led Sam back through the Palace to their rooms. “Thank you for coming,” he said, giggling when his speech slurred a little.

 

“Oh my god is Captain America drunk?” Sam clutched his ribs in laughter, his steps less steady than normal.

 

“No way, I don’t get drunk anymore.” Steve let out a burp, cracking up in laughter when it caught him by surprise. “Okay maybe I’m a little bit drunk. I don’t think this has happened since the night before Bucky left for training camp.”

 

“Is this story going to get above a PG-13 rating?”

 

Steve punched his friend in the shoulder, his face flushing. “No!” He exclaimed. “Though, I can’t say that I don’t wish it had gotten a little bit NC-17 if you know what I mean.”

 

Sam’s mouth dropped open in shock. “Oh God, I am not hearing this!” He plugged his ears, trying to make noise so that he wouldn’t have to hear.

 

Steve slumped against the wall outside his bedroom door, clutching the left side of his chest as he shook with laughter. “Nothing happened Sam! My date blew me off that night when we went out dancing so Bucky dropped his gal off early and brought back half a bottle of cheap whiskey. He never would tell me where he got it, though I’m still pretty sure he nicked it.”

 

Humming contently at the memory, Steve’s eyes fluttered shut. He could still taste the burn of the cheap alcohol on his tongue. “We took turns passing it back and forth, listening to one of the few records that we had when Bucky decided it was his last chance ever to teach me how to dance. He never gave up, not even after I tripped over his feet almost a dozen times.

 

The record stopped but he never let go, still swaying back and forth to the music in our heads. I’m not even sure when we switched from dancin to kissin’ but I’m sure glad we did,” Steve sighed. “That was our first kiss. Bucky got to freaked out for it to go much farther and he snuck out in the middle of the night so I never really got another chance until we were overseas.”

 

“The two of you are like a damn lifetime movie, I swear,” Sam grumbled, wiping a tear out of the corner of his eye. Steve looked blankly at him, waiting for his friend to explain. “You’ve never see a shitty lifetime movie, Steve? Okay, let go, this place is so high tech I know they have to have internet.”

 

Steve opened the door to his room with a laugh. “What are we doing?”

 

“We are just drunk enough to watch one of those damn movies!”

  
  
  
  


Day 148- 7:27 PM

 

Sam had stayed for a month before finally having to leave and his trip had made all the difference. Steve had been wary to use his friend as a therapist, but after a few days of Sam insisting that Steve was never going to open up to anyone else, he had finally started to talk. Steve was still having nightmares more nights than not, but he had finally spent a handful of nights in his bed, no longer feeling guilt gnawing at his gut if he didn’t stop by the lab to check on Bucky every day.

 

He wouldn’t go so far to say that he was happy, but he had started opening up more to the people that he met in the palace. Shuri now felt more like the kid sister he had never had and W’Kabi made sure to drop in every few days to visit or invite Steve to spend time with some of the guys. The person that Steve had grown closest to though was Ramonda. She reminded him a lot of his own mother. She was incredibly kind and generous but he could tell that she would fight tooth and nail to protect those that she cared about.

 

Upon finding a few of Steve’s sketches earlier in the day, she had insisted that he accompany her to her favorite gallery in Birnin Zana. Steve had jumped at the chance to get out of the palace and to immerse himself in the culture.

 

When they were kids, Sarah had brought home a book on West African art that she had found in the hospital lobby. He and Bucky had spent hours laying on the floor flipping through the pages, making up outlandish stories to match the pictures. Ramonda had to be back at the palace for a late afternoon tea but Steve had stayed to wander through the halls until a nervous woman came up to tell him they had been closed for almost 30 minutes.

 

After making a quick pit stop in the kitchen to make himself a couple of sandwiches he carried a plate towards the lab. “Good evening Taifa, did you forget how late it was again?” Steve called, setting a sandwich down next to Shuri’s assistant.

 

“Thanks,” he returned with a smile, picking the food up eagerly. “It has been two days since we last saw you skulking around the shadows, we were starting to worry about you. Nakia suggested sending out a search party.”

 

“Very funny,” Steve deadpanned, pulling his knees up and making himself comfortable in his chair. “Any big breakthrough while I was gone?”

 

Taifa smiled sadly in his direction as he began to tidy up his work station for the night “Unfortunately no, your friend Tony has proved to be very…. knowledgeable but I feel as if there is something obvious we are missing. He mentioned though that we may have additional help soon in the way of someone named Doctor Banner. Are you familiar with him?”

 

“Banner is back?” Steve's mouth dropped open in surprise before he remembered that he had just taken a large bite and was displaying his dinner mid-chew.

 

The dark skinned man laughed. “I will take that as a yes.”

 

“He’s been missing for a few years, we were worried about him. He is just as bright as Tony but a lot more - er, mellow. He used to collaborate with Tony on projects often. I think he has a calming effect.”

 

Taifa snorted. “I think that man could use as many calming effects around him as possible.”

 

“You are not wrong there my friend.”

 

Slowly, many of the systems in the lab powered off until the only light was coming from above Steve and the glow of the cryo tank. “Get some rest Steve.”

 

Steve grunted noncommittally around this bite of sandwich. “With Banner involved it can’t be much longer Buck,” he promised quietly. “You two haven’t met yet but I think you’ll like him.”

 

Leaning back in his chair, Steve opened up a new leather bound sketch pad and fresh package of colored pencils that he had purchased on his way back from the gallery. An exhibit there about preserving memories had given him the idea to try and recreate some of his favorite memories over the course of his life with Bucky. Best case scenario, it would make a nice gift he figured, and in the worst case he could use it to try and help Bucky get some of his memories back.

 

Turning to the first page, he decided that there was no better place to start than at the beginning of their friendship as well and began to draw.

 

_April 7, 1924, Brooklyn._

 

_At not quite 6 years old, Steve Rogers was all knobby knees and bony elbows. He wore large bottle cap glasses to read that had an odd magnifying effect on his eyes. His asthma was severe and his chest made a rattling wheeze whenever he tried to run but none of that slowed him down in the slightest._

 

_“Hey give her that doll back!” He yelled, hands balled into tiny fists. Even as a boy, Steve still couldn’t pass up a person in need. This time it was a girl from the class below him who had been cornered on the playground by a group of older kids who were whooping and throwing a small rag doll back and forth._

 

_Steve stomped over to them, taking a raspy breath as he puffed his chest to look bigger. “I said, give her that back Carter!” He stopped in front of the biggest boy and held out a hand._

 

_The bully looked to his friends and then back to Steve before he burst out laughing. “Who do you think you are pipsqueak?”_

 

_One of the boys tried to throw the doll back to Carter but missed so that it landed in a muddy puddle on the ground. Behind Steve, the girl whimpered. “My name is Steven Grant Rogers, and you are going to have to pay for that.”_

 

_“Yeah, and who is going to make me?” The older boy stepped forwarding, pushing Steve in the chest so that he stumbled back. “You?”_

 

_Steve straightened himself back up, raising his fists like his pa had shown him. “Yeah, me. I could do this all day.”_

 

_Laughing, Carter swung his arm, hitting Steve square in the gut. With a soft groan, Steve doubled over, dropping to his knees in the same filthy puddle as the toy._

 

_“Hey! Pick on someone your own size Carter!”_

 

_The group of bullies turned in the direction of the newcomer. Steve tried to catch a glimpse through their legs but he couldn’t see much beyond khaki pants and a pair of worn shoes.  “Mind your own business Barnes!”_

 

_The feet moved closer. “Looks to me like this is my business,” the mystery boy said._

 

_Before Carter could respond, a crack echoed through the alleyway. “I think you broke my nose!” The bully started to wail and Steve could see drops of blood hit the asphalt. “You’ll pay for this Barnes!” With that the three boys turned and ran away, no doubt to get home to their mothers._

 

_Steve frowned as the mystery boy walked over and offered him a hand up. “I didn’t need your help.”_

 

_The boy looked to be a year older than Steve with dark brown hair and a toothy grin. “I know you didn’t, you had him on the ropes.”_

 

_Glaring, Steve tried to decide if he was being made fun of again or not. When the boy continued to stand there, offering his hand, Steve decided that he seemed trustworthy enough._

 

_“Thanks,” he mumbled, finally accepting the help up. “I’m Steven Rogers by the way.”_

 

_“Nice ta meet ya Stevie,” the boy replied, shaking his hand wildly. “I’m James Buchanan Barnes, at your assistance!”_

 

_Behind them the girl sniffled, picking her doll out of the dirt. “Bucky can we go home now?”_

 

_“Who’s Bucky?” Steve asked, his brow furrowed as he looked back and forth between them. He was clearly missing something but he couldn’t figure out what._

 

_“I’m Bucky!” James explained and he moved to wrap his arm around the shoulders of the younger girl. “At least that’s what this little brat calls me.”_

 

_“Is that your sister?”_

 

 _“Sure is!” Bucky flung his other arm over Steve shoulders as he lead them towards the main street. “Now let_ _’_ _s go, I want to introduce ma to my new best friend Stevie!”_

  
  
  


Day 221- 3:32 PM

 

The seasons had changed without Steve noticing. Besides the fact the most of his days were pretty similar, the weather didn’t change much so close to the Equator. When the door to the lab opened, Steve hardly noticed, assuming it was part of the usual comings and goings.

 

He was finally pulled away from his most recent addition to Bucky's memory book when he noticed two people stop directly in front of him. Looking up, he was happily surprised to see Shuri and her mother looking down at him.

 

“What brings you two here today?” Steve asked as he untangled himself from the small pile of art supplies around him. “I thought you were both taking a well deserved week off?”

 

Ramonda fondly rubbed at a smudge of graphite on his cheek, the motherly gesture making him ache momentarily for his own. “We are but we couldn’t let you be completely alone on Christmas, Steven.”

His head whipped around towards the window, suddenly expecting to see snow outside despite the fact that he had been out in the warmth just a few hours ago. “I didn’t even realize it was December,” he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

 

“We assumed as much, which is why we brought some Christmas to you,” Shuri said, beaming as she held a present out towards him.

 

Steve’s hands trembled slightly as he reached for the immaculately wrapped package. “You really didn’t need to get me anything. I mean you’ve just been so generous already, I don’t know if I can-”

 

“Steve, you’re babbling.” Ramonda interrupted with a smile.

 

“Open it!” Shuri encouraged him, clapping her hands in excitement.

 

Steve turned it over in his hands looking for the spot that would require him to do the least damage to the paper. “Okay, okay, hold on.” He carefully peeled back the top layer, grinning as Shuri let out an exasperated sigh. “Back when I was young, we could hardly afford wrapping paper so whenever got some, we made sure to use it as many times as possible.”

 

“Way to date yourself there Steve,” Shuri teased.

 

Setting the box down on the closest workspace, Steve gently removed the lid and brushed his fingers across the soft blue silk that was exposed. He lifted one of the most beautiful tunics that he had ever seen out of the box. It was dark blue with light blue and gold scrolls around the neck. It was cut long so that it would hit him mid thigh and a slit up the front was added for ease of movement.

 

“It’s beautiful,” he breathed, not knowing what to say.

 

“It is called a dashiki,” Ramonda explained, holding the garment up to his chest. “This is a more formal style, worn by many men on their weddings. The blue symbolizes love and peace, two things that you have not been lucky to have enough of.”

 

“Also, it’ll bring out your eyes,” Shuri added with a wink.

 

Steve found himself overwhelmed with emotion, words getting caught in his throat whenever he tried to express his gratitude. Finally he gave up trying to speak and pulled the two women in to a tight hug. “Thank you so much.”

 

Ramonda pulled back, patting his chest with a smile “You are part of this family now Steve, we did not want you to feel like you were alone on the holiday. Now, get changed and come meet us for dinner in two hours.You might want to stop by your room as well, I think your friends had a few things delivered.”

 

“Sam and Nat were here?”

 

Shuri grinned at her mother wickedly. “No, it’s too bad too, Mother is very _fond_ of Sam.”

 

Rolling her eyes, Ramonda turned to make her way out of the lab. “Do not think that you are too old for me to turn you across my knee Shuri.”

 

Steve collapsed back into his seat, his mind racing as he traced the scrollwork. “I can’t wait for you to get a proper chance to meet them, Buck,” he mumbled to himself. “This place really is something else. “

  
  
  
  
  
  


Day 227- 11:57 PM New Years Eve

 

The palace was in full swing for a New Years Party. Guests from all over Wakanda had been invited to an extravagant feast where the drinks were flowing and laughter was easy. They had begun their procession out into the courtyard to watch the annual fireworks display but Steve had taken that as his chance to slip away.

 

Despite the good food and even better company, he had felt like his heart was being held in a vice grip all night. There were so many happy people in one place that it became overwhelming to be the odd man out. So as everyone counted the minutes until the show, Steve trudged back through the deserted hallways to the laboratory.

 

“I couldn’t do it any longer,” Steve sighed as he collapsed in to his chair, kicking off his shoes. “I don’t think I’m up for much in the way of explosions either.”

 

Behind him he heard a bell chime to start the one minute countdown to midnight. He dropped his head back and let his eyes close as his mind wandered back to the last New Years Eve he had spent with Bucky.

 

_December 31st, 1944, 11:50 pm._

 

_They had stopped for the night to take shelter in the shell of a bombed pub in Austria. Most of the town had been completely abandoned but there was dry firewood, leftover rations, a case of beer and seperate beds for each of them; the Commandos felt like they had hit the jackpot._

 

_“Come on Barnes, get over here!” Gabe slurred, waving the pair over towards the bar._

 

_Laughing at the state of their intoxicated friends, Bucky grabbed a beer for himself and Steve, knowing that neither of them had the ability to get drunk anymore.  “Did you save any liquor left for the rest of Europe?”_

 

_Dum Dum let out a deep belch in response before falling into a fit of giggles. “We’ve earned it! Now, it’s almost midnight so I propose a toast!”_

 

_The men lifted their drinks in anticipation. “To one hell of a year. May 1945 finally be the year that someone kills that fucking asshole Adolf so that we can all go home to our women!”_

 

_Steve and Bucky shared a wink as they took sips from their bottles. The Commandos dissolved in to bickering, each man brandishing a photo of his dame back home and insisting that they had the prettiest broad waiting for them. Bucky turned to make his way back to the room that he had claimed for the night, just happening to pick one that was on the opposite side of the building from everyone else._

 

_Steve watching him go, chewing his lip in anticipation._

 

_As he cracked the door open, Bucky jerked his head, finally giving the Steve the invitation he had been waiting for. With their friends too drunk and distracted, Steve crossed the room in a few quick strides, slamming the door behind him and pushing a chair over to hold it shut._

 

_Bucky had already kicked off his boots and was loosening his belt when Steve got there. “Took you long enough,” he said, his lips pulled into a tempting grin._

 

_Steve whimpered, his stomach clenching in anticipation as he watched the tip of a pink tongue dart out along the edge of Bucky’s lips.  His own fingers began to fumble at his clothing as he tried to kick his boots off at the same time._

 

_“Come here,” Bucky murmured, hooking his fingers through the loops of Steve’s trousers and pulling the blond roughly in towards him. Steve tried to crash their lips together, his body aching for some kind of connection but Bucky put a hand on his chest when he tried to move in. Bucky’s hands were rough and calloused where he cupped them along each side of Steve’s jaw._

_The kiss started slow, just the soft brush of skin on skin. Steve wrapped one arm around his lovers waist and threaded the fingers of his other hand tightly in Bucky’s hair, pulling gently at the strands. Bucky gasped and Steve took the opportunity to nip on his full bottom lip before soothing the spot with the tip of his tongue. Bucky pushed Steve down until he was sitting on the edge of the bed before climbing up to straddle him._

 

_Out in the main part of the bar, they could still hear their fellow soldiers carrying on, but in the room, the only sound was the slick pop of their lips and the low sound of throaty moans. “Bucky, ahh,” Steve gasped, crying out louder than he meant to when his lover sucked and nibbled down his neck._

 

_Steve felt dizzy and light headed but knew it had nothing to do with anything they drank. He could feel the crotch of his pants getting tighter as the kiss continued and he tried to resist the urge to rock up against the man in his lap._

 

_The sound of sharp cracks and gunfire broke them apart quickly. Before Steve could worry about trying to throw on his boots so he could fight, they heard the men yell ‘Happy New Year’ in chorus before another shot was fired._

 

_“Happy New Year Stevie,” Bucky purred, rocking his hips as he slid back onto the blond’s lap._

 

_Steve grinned, taking a moment to study the way that Bucky was looking at him before he leaned in for another kiss. “Happy New Year Buck.”_

  
  


Day 297- 1:17 AM Bucky’s Birthday

 

The Winter Soldier loomed over him, once warm hazel eyes were cold and unfeeling as they stared back at him.

 

“Bucky please,” Steve begged. “You know me.”

 

The Soldier laughed, releasing his metal hand from its grip on Steve’s throat to unclip a small blade from his belt. “I know who you are Captain Rogers, but your _Bucky,”_ the Soldier spat out the word, his lip curling with disdain. “He’s dead, I killed him myself.”

 

Steve gasped for air, fighting to break free from the Soldiers grasp and the heavy manacle wrapped around his ankle. “No, you didn’t. Your name is James Buchanan Barnes.”

 

The Soldier back handed him, the metal cracking his jaw on impact. With a groan, he rolled to his side and spat out a mouthful of blood.

 

“No it’s not.” The Soldier’s voice was soft but deadly. While he still shared the same physical features as the man that Steve knew, Steve began to question for the first time if his friend was actually gone. The knife flicked open and The Soldier cut the front of Steve’s shirt before ripping it open completely.

 

He dragged the tip of the blade across Steve’s chest, his brow furrowing in concentration. A strangled yell tore free from Steve’s throat when the edge tore through the skin.

 

Breath coming out in shallow gasps, Steve clenched his jaw and tried desperately to think about anything but the pain as The Soldier cut into the flesh over his heart. He had felt pain before, but the psychological aspect made this pain just that much worse.

 

“There.” The Soldier dropped the blade to the concrete floor. Blood was splattered across his face and dulled the shine of his metal arm. “Your friend is dead.”

 

Steve craned his neck down to look what The Soldier has done. In sloppy block letters he had carved “BUCKY IS DEAD” and drawn a crude heart around it.

 

Steve woke with a yell, immediately tearing off his shirt and clawing at his skin as he ran to the mirror. His skin felt as though it was on fire where it had been cut in the dream but there was nothing there. Obviously he thought with a groan as he bent to splash cold water on his face.

 

It had been over a week since he had had a dream that felt so real and terrifying. He knew there was no way he was getting back to sleep anytime soon, so he pulled on a sweatshirt, grabbed his sketch pad and made his was back to the lab.

 

Steve took a moment to stop in front of the cryotan, watching his friend sleep. Even now that he was awake, he still saw flashes of the Soldiers face every time he blinked. Overcome is emotion, he rested his palm against the glass and took a minute to try to compose himself.

 

During his stay, Sam had done his best to help Steve identify stress and triggers during the day that would possibly make his night terrors worse. It normally helped, but as Steve stood there wracking his brain, nothing came to mind. He looked over towards the monitor, trying to estimate how long they had been in Wakanda when he saw the date and it dawned on him.

 

“Happy Birthday Buck,” Steve whispered.

  
  
  
  


Day 409- Bruce Shows up with Nat and Sam

 

“Steve stop pacing, you are going to wear a hole in the floor.”

 

Steve stopped and turned to smile nervously at Shuri. “Sorry, I’m just really anxious.”

 

She stepped around the bench and put a hand on his shoulder. “I know, but your friends will be here any minute. Ayo already sent word that they landed.”

 

Steve nodded distractedly until he realized what exactly she had said. “Wait, what do you mean friends? As in multiple? Who is coming besides Bruce?”

 

“No one; forget I said anything.” Shuri tried to look busy and flipped through some of the papers before her.

 

He narrowed his eyes at her but knew better than to keep asking. Instead, he started pacing again, this time with the satisfaction of knowing that it would drive Shuri crazy.

 

It was not even five minutes later when a group of excited voices could be heard and the doors to the lab burst open. Steve found himself hoping that Tony had tagged along while simultaneously hoping that he had not. They had spoken a few times over Skype recently and while Steve was hopeful that they could continue to mend their friendship, he wasn’t sure that he trusted Tony to be in the same room as Bucky when he was in such a delicate condition.

 

“Looks like there are a few fossils left that haven’t been uncovered,” Natasha drawled as she strolled into the room, looking smug at her own bad joke.

“Don’t call him a fossil,” Sam chastised. “He is clearly humanities missing link to the Neanderthal.”

 

“Good to see you too,” Steve grumbled, but he was unable to keep from smiling as he pulled his friends into a tight hug. “Welcome back Bruce! I hear you had quite the interesting year with Thor.”

 

Bruce blushed and ran a hand through his hair nervously. “Yeah, it was something like that. It’s nice to see you though Steve.”

 

Shuri was quick to play host and rushed over to show Bruce around the lab. Steve was pretty sure that her generosity was also motivated by pride in her inventions and the technology of her country. The pair was talking quickly in hushed tones, motioning to things around them as they went.

 

“You’re starting to look better,” Natasha said more seriously once they had moved away.

 

Steve shrugged. “I think I actually am getting a bit better. I’m just ready for this whole thing to be over.”

 

Sam nodded but before he could speak, Bruce called from across the room. “We should be up and running in a day or two Steve. We just need to do a little bit of set up and then a few more calibrations.”

 

“Damn, does have some sort of supersonic Hulk hearing?” Sam whispered.

 

Ignoring them, Steve’s mind was reeling and his heart felt as though it would burst from his chest with excitement. In just a few days they would know if all their hard work had paid off. In just a few days he would have his friend back.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Day 412- 4:12 AM - wake up day

 

Steve hadn’t even tried to go to sleep the night before, he was too hyped on nervous energy and anxiety. They had gone over the plan almost a dozen times over dinner last night and he kept replaying it in his mind. In an hour Natasha, Sam, Shuri, Bruce and T’Challa would all join him in the laboratory. In just under two hours they would shut down the tank and slowly wake Bucky up.

 

“It’ll be quick and easy,” Steve told his friend, talking more to himself though, than anyone else. “Just a few minutes and we will know if it worked.”

 

Frustrated, Steve flopped down into his arm chair and tried to focus on the last drawing in his book. He was trying to draw a portrait of Bucky, first waking up from the cryosleep but every time he tried, his mind conjured terrible images.

 

“Steve, it’s almost time,” Sam said, placing a steady hand on his shoulder.

 

Steve jumped and his eyes snapped open, he didn’t remember closing his eyes but he must have dozed off for a few minutes. “What time is it?”

 

The laboratory was alive with activity and more people than Steve had seen there at once. Shuri and Bruce were directing assistants around the lab, setting up a large exam chair and various pieces of equipment that Steve had never seen before.

 

Natasha was perched on the arm of the chair, her arm draped across his shoulders. “It’s 5:52, they’re going to start waking him up soon.”

Steve groaned, burying his face in his hands. “I think I’m going to be sick.”

 

“Now listen here, Rogers,” Nat scolded, moving to crouch in front of him so that he had no choice but to look her in the eyes. “The best minds on Earth and then a few minds from other realms have been collaborating on this for a year. If for some reason this doesn’t work, we will start again.”

 

“Buck up Soldier!” Sam added, giving him a gentle punch in the bicep. “Damn, I have to remember that I am way more likely to hurt my hand if I hit those muscles than I am to hurt you.”

 

Steve stifled a snort of laughter and stood up. As he cracked his back he hovered closer to the tank. Shuri has started to tap on the monitor, her fingers flying over the screen. A countdown from 1 minute appeared as fog released from the chamber in a loud rush.

 

“It will only take a minute for him to wake up.”

 

T’Challa cross the room until he was nervously hovering around his sister. She glared at his disapprovingly, swatting him away as she chided him in Wakandan. Next to Steve, Natasha bit her lip, doing her best to smother a smile at the sibling squabble.

 

5 seconds left

 

With a crack, the door to the tank slowly began to raise. Fog poured across the floor, chilling their ankles as the last of the cold air emptied.

 

Steve fiddled with the fringe on the heavy blanket he held, waiting for some sign of life from his friend. After the longest 6 seconds of Steve’s life, Bucky gasped for air, his eyes opening wide as he startled awake. Pressing himself as far back in to the tank as he could, Bucky cowered, looking more like a frightened animal than a threat. “не делайте,” he whimpered, repeating the phrase over and over.

 

Natasha stepped forward slowly, holding her hands out to show that she meant him no harm as she replied in Russian. Her soothing words finally seemed to have effect and after a few minutes, he visibly relaxed. “James?”

 

Bucky nodded tersely. “Where’s Steve?” He croaked, his eyes still looking around the room without fully focusing.

 

The sound of his name was gut wrenching, but Steve steeled himself as he stepped up with Natasha. “I’m right here Bucky.”

 

The muscles in Bucky’s jaw relaxed a little further and his eyes crinkled in a smile as he watch Steve approach. As the shock of waking up wore off, he started to shiver violently. Steve closed the last remaining distance between them and in the blink of an eye had the blanket wrapped tightly around his shoulders and the the brunet wrapped in a tight hug.

 

“Christ,” Bucky sighed, his eyes slipping shut and shivering slowing as he began to warm up. “Always forget how warm you are now Stevie.”

 

Sam coughed loudly, trying to remind them that they were surrounded by half a dozen other people right now. Steve felt his ears turn red in embarrassment. “I always suspected that was the reason you kept me around. Come on let’s get you out of there.”

 

“Welcome back Sergeant Barnes,” T’Challa said, offering his hand.

 

His one hand busy trying to hold the blanket up, Bucky nodded in his direction. “Thank you for this.”

 

“It truly is our honor.”

 

Bucky turned to great each of his friends in turn, cocking his head when he got to Bruce. “Who the hell is this guy?”

 

“Dr. Bruce Banner,” Bruce replied with a smile, putting his hand out for a shake before he realized his mistake. “Sorry, habit. I’m uh, a colleague of Steve and Nat’s.”

 

Sam snorted. “That’s one way to put it Hul- ow!.” He bent to rub his shins where Natasha had kicked him to shut him up.

 

“Well thanks for being here man, nice ta meet you.” With a sigh Bucky turned to face the elephant in the room, kicking the leg of the exam chair gently. “So what’s the game plan?”

 

Shuri stepped forward, taking charge of the technical details. It was her project after all. “We think that we have been able to map the portion of your brain that holds the memories associated with the Hydra trigger words. We measured your brain waves over the last few months and are confident that we can pinpoint the location to the nanometer. A few short bursts of electricity followed by a small dose of vitrays should burn them out and then immediately repair the damage. After that, the only thing left to do is test to see if it worked.”

 

Bucky paled as she continued to explain the process and what research they had done to confirm the hypothesis. His head nodded along with her words but his eyes were frozen on the rig holding the electric shock and vitaray devices. Steve wrapped his arm protectively around his friend’s shoulder, wishing with all of his might that he could simply switch their roles.

 

“Do you have any questions Sergeant?” With a jolt, Bucky tore his eyes away from the rig and found Shuri and Bruce looking at him expectantly.

 

“No, I think I understand it just about as much as I’m going to.”

 

“Bucky we have time,” Steve added. “If you need to think more -.”

 

“No, I want to get it over with.” Bucky pulled the blanket off and passed it back to his friend, steeling himself for the process to come. “Hell, Hydra musta scrambled my brains a few dozen times and those goons were idiots. I guess if you all think that it’s safe, then I may as well.”

 

Shuri smiled gently and held her hand out towards. Taking a deep breath, Bucky took it and allowed himself to be lowered into the chair. “I have a few conditions thought,” he said, his voice wavering.

 

Steve crossed his arms over his chest tightly, trying to keep it together just a while longer. “Name it.”

 

“In case it backfires, I want you to strap me to the chair and if it comes to it, I need you to stop me.” Steve opened his mouth to argue. “No, Steve. I can’t do this again, I can’t hurt anyone else.”

Nodding solemnly, T’Challa moved forward and gave his word that they would not let anything happen to Bucky or anyone else. Shooting him a weak smile, Bucky opened his mouth on instinct for the guard to be placed in. Bruce worked fast to secure safety straps around Bucky’s chest, arm and legs. He rolled the cart that held the machinery up closer to the chair and lowered the ring of electrodes over Bucky’s head, nodding to Shuri once everything was in place.

 

Bucky’s grip tightened on the edge of the arm rest, his fingers making divots in the metal. His body trembled violently and Steve swore that he saw a tear escape the soldiers eyes when the squeezed shut.

 

The whir of electricity filled the room as Shuri switched everything on and a ten second timer began to count down.

 

_Nine_

 

The room was silent except for the sound Bucky’s gasps for air between clenched teeth, the jaws in his muscles straining against the skin.

 

_Six_

 

Steve could barely hear anything over the sound of his heart pounding his in his ears. Bucky’s chest strained against the straps as he struggled to try to get free.

 

_Two_

 

Natasha buried her head in Sam’s shoulder not sure she could stomach watching what was about to happen. The whirr of machinery grew louder as the electrodes built up a charge.

 

_Zero_

 

The crackle of electricity filled the air but Steve couldn’t hear anything over Bucky’s muffled screams. As the first shock entered his skull, his back arched off the chair and the thick leather of the strap across his chest ripped completely. A second wave entered his skull and this time the strap on Bucky’s left ankle broke as he strained. His screams gave way to hoarse whimpers as the machinery powered off.

 

Steve ran towards him, pulling the mouth guard out and tossing it on the floor. “Come on Buck, I need you to breathe with me.” He cupped the back of Bucky’s neck, pulling the brunet’s sweaty forehead against his. “That’s it, good. Deep breath.”

 

“Are you ready?” Natasha asked softly. She was standing next to them, the red journal in her hands.

 

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” Bucky grumbled, letting his head drop back against the headrest.

 

Natasha nodded to Steve who got up with a heavy sigh and moved back out of the way. She leaned over to share a private word with Bucky who nodded and mumbled a response back. As she stood back Steve could see her harden as her demeanor changed.

 

“ _Желание_ ,” she started, her voice sharp and confident as she read out the Russian words.

 

Longing, Steve thought, translating to himself as she went.

 

“Ржaвый.”

 

Rusted.

 

Bucky began to shake again, his teeth grinding against each other hard enough that Steve worried they would shatter.

 

“Семнадцать”.

 

Seventeen.

 

Natasha stood behind him now, knuckles white where she gripped the book tightly. Below her the remaining leather straps creaked where they threatened to break under the pressure.

 

“Рассвет.”

 

Daybreak.

 

“Печь”

 

Furnace.

 

Steve’s blood tasted metallic, blood oozing from his bottom lip that had split from his nervous biting on it. Bucky’s breathing was hard and fast, his eyes screwed shut.

 

“Девять”

Nine.

 

“Доброкачественный”

 

Benign.

 

Natasha’s voice started to waiver, her nerves getting the best of her as she got close to the end. Sam placed a steadying hand on her shoulder.

 

“возвращение домой”

 

Homecoming.

 

“Один”

 

One.

 

A heavy silence blanketed the room as they collectively waited for Natasha to say the final word. Bucky whimpered softly, silent tears rolling down his cheeks.

 

“грузовой автомобиль.”

 

Freight car.

 

The tension in the room was tangible as Natasha snapped the journal shut. She took a deep breath and steeled herself before speaking again.

 

“Soldat!” She barked. Bucky made no move to reply. “Soldat!”

 

Steve’s heart skipped a beat as she continued to yell. After a few minutes Bucky lowered his head and opened his eyes, watching Steve through the hair that had fallen in his face. Saying a quick prayer to whoever might be listening, Steve crouched until he was on eye level with his oldest friend.

 

“Bucky?”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Phew! I promise it has a happy ending and that the treatment worked and the boys are going to go make out and cry forever. I've been sitting on this idea for months before I realized how little time I had before Black Panther came out and made everything completely non-canon. 
> 
> I also want to apologize for any errors I made when talking about Wakanda or mis-characterizations of characters. I’m pretty brand new to the Black Panther universe. Please feel free to drop me a comment though if there’s anything super problematic. 
> 
> Thank you guys so much for taking the time to read this. I know I disappeared for a few years. I was struggling with a lot of depression and suicidal thoughts and got too low to do anything at one point, let along write. But therapy is great and I'm back now! Now that I have the cobwebs brushed off my brain, I am going to turn back to What If. 
> 
> <3
> 
> As always, come hang out with me on tumblr at ScienceofSociopaths or drop me a message.


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